Who does this?

Friday, September 18, 2015

My husband called me while I was out to mention a couple things to me.  One of the things he mentioned was that the ground beef I put in the refrigerator for dinner tonight had leaked the blood over some things inside.  Well, I thought to myself he took care of it so I didn’t even think to ask about it.  It was an accident and no big deal…..

However, I get home and the bag of ground beef that leaked was still in the refrigerator, but not on a plate or anything to help keep it from leaking more.  Also, the mess of blood over the yogurts and inside one of the drawers was still there along with the lunch meat my husband said was bad because of the blood.  He didn’t touch any of it.  He didn’t clean the mess.  But he had time to make a sandwich and bring his plate back to the kitchen… it makes no sense!  What was he waiting on?  A video game which he is still playing since I walked in the door. I don’t understand.  And it hurts my heart that he didn’t seem to care.  It is disrespectful to me.

Journal Entry #4 9/8/15

6:45 am Wake-Up


Got Dressed

Got Jasmine Dressed

Make-Up On

Made Cinnamon Rolls for Breakfast

7:45 Drove to Girls to school

8 am Appointment with Maya (behavioral therapist at Holcomb) & Kaitlyn

9 am Drove Home – Adrian still sleeping.  He had trouble sleeping the night before.

9 am – 10 am I got caught up on my journal entries

10 am – noon i took a nap.  i was exhausted i guess from the weekend

12:30 Ran to store to get energy drinks for adrian, our roommate, and myself

12:45 pm – 2:10 pm did housework like laundry, picked the girls clothes out for bed that night  and school the next day, did the dishes

2:10 pm Asked Adrian to ride with me to pick up Jasmine and take her to therapy (and he agreed to come!)

2:15 pm picked up Jasmine at school

2:30 pm dropped Jasmine off at therapy

2:40 pm Went to Fedex to mail packages

2:45 pm Went to Springdale to help jump my mom’s car which he didn’t want to do at all.  he complains any time someone needs help, especially my mom.  i took his dad to the ER one time because he didn’t want to deal with his dad.  you know that’s what you do for each other.  sometimes you are going to be dealt a crappy hand and you just have to roll with it.

3:20 pm Came home  Adrian wanted to immediately play on his game with our roommate which is upsetting because if he knew how many hours he plays that thing compared to the family time we get… oh my goodness… more stuff around the house would be done.  He doesn’t ask if I needed anything done or help with anything.  And he knows it.  But why should I spell it out for him?  And when I do spell it out for him, he complains that I ask him to do things for me all the time.  Well, then I don’t want to ask for his help at all.  And then he wonders why I’m cranky…..

3:30 pm Adrian made dinner early because girls were super hungry

4:15 pm Adrian helped Kaitlyn with her homework

4:30 pm – 6:20 pm Girls had play time, Adrian played in his office doing computer work and gaming, and I did random things that needed to be done like file papers for computer aid, went through my email

6:20 pm – 7:30 pm helped girls with their baths

7:30 pm  Girls had dessert

8:00 pm Put the girls to bed

8:30 pm to 11 pm I looked up fun halloween decorations on pinterest and then i looked up coupons for grocery shopping.  i worked on my list for groceries.  And then i went to bed

Adrian I were suppose to play DC Comics before bed, but he said that his last game lasted well over an hour… but that’s the thing, there will always be “something” that comes up with him… why can’t he say he just forgot?  he acted like he forgot.  he didn’t say anything about the game until i mentioned it when he was already in bed watching tv with me… then he wanted to play right then because he felt bad.  i didn’t oblige him.  why should i?  why do i always have to be the one who bends?  i bend so there is no arguing.  no fighting.  i just would like for him to bend.  if he forgets, i have to bend for him to make it an exception, but if i do it, i don’t hear the end of it.

another thing that eerks me is that he always has to have a remark whether it be about the past or whatever, there is always some kind of remark.

Journal Entry #3 9/7/15

9 am wake up and helped the girls with breakfast

9:30 am adrian mentioned the a computer needed to be picked up from a client that lives on the other side of Fayetteville.  Usually when Adrian says that, he wants me to do it.  He doesn’t say “I need to pick up a computer from a client.”  He says it like it’s left open for him or me.  Does that make sense?  He says it I think hoping to get me to do it.  I know I use to play the same game.  I’m HIGHLY familiar with it.  So I told him to make it worth my wild to do it.  So he offered Inta Juice (our favorite smoothie place) so I agreed to do it.

10 am Got Dressed

10:15 am Left to pick up computer from client

11:15 am Arrived back home

11:45 am I was making the bed and Adrian came in and laid on it to “play around.”  I play around back and the girls got involved and it turned into a tickling match and then Jasmine got hurt and his mother arrived to take the girls to lunch and then trikking.  Then somehow he said something that implied I started the messing around with him which led him to mess with me by laying on the bed while I was trying to make it.  And that was not what happened.  But he swore it did.  And so we got into a fight over who started the playing around first.  Oh my goodness, I cannot believe we are fighting about this.  And what makes it so bad, he was so sure he was right that I started to 2nd guess myself.  He tried to console me, but I snapped.  I told him I am tired of not being able to think for myself.  I am tired of him running circles around me and making me think I’m wrong.  And then our conversation led to some of what Charla and I talked about.  I told him about his condescension was a form of verbal abuse.  I told him that I’m working on myself, trying to make myself better so I can be a better person which would help me to be a better wive so we can have a better marriage.  But I told him that if we were to divorce, that my feelings are still true that he can keep everything except for my clothes.  I am tired of the fighting.  I am tired of not feeling appreciated.  He already thinks something is changing or that something is different with me.  He says he’s trying (and that’s why he did the dishes last night).  I asked him if he was doing things just because he’s afraid of losing me, but when that fear is gone and he thinks I’m staying, will he go back to the old way?  He said no.  I told him I don’t want him to act any different because I know that isn’t his true self.

Journal Entry #2 9/5/15

7:50 am Wake Up

8 am Shower

8:20 Rubbed on Adrian’s head and back because if I rub on him he’ll let me get Jasmine an extra present for her birthday.

8:45 Left to run last errands for the birthday party

10 am Got back from errands to a crabby Adrian – I asked Adrian all week to make a doghouse for a photo booth for jasmine’s birthday party.  He decided to wait until the morning of to get it done.  Of course, everything went wrong with the process.  I told him that it wasn’t worth getting upset about which it isn’t.  But I was upset that he took so long to finally do what I asked him.  He had more than enough time during the week to do it, but League of Legends took priority over it. Some of our friends are sick and wouldn’t be coming to the party and Adrian thought our house was the thing in common to the ones that are sick.  I tried to explain to him that we would have been sick before them, but he didn’t want to hear what I had to say so I said it more assertive to get him to listen to me, but he complained I was yelling which I proceeded to say I was not, then he said well you are bitching then.  Then he made me cry.  Well, he called me sensitive.  And that made me cry more.  I’m on my period and so I’m more emotional than I would like to be.  I called his mother crying to her.  Then he shut the garage door so I couldn’t get back in that way.  (Who does that!)  I told his mother only because she was on the phone when he did it.

He did help with putting up the blow-up “Boss Hog.”  My friend Anna came over early for the party with her daughter and helped me set up what was left for the party (and there was a lot!).

12 pm people are finally showing up for the party.  most of the time adrian stayed in his office except for when we did the important things.

12-2 party

2-6 razorback game

6pm + adrian stayed in his office and played league of legends while my friend Tanya stayed and had a couple drinks with me before leaving at 8:30 pm to go home

8:30 pm sat on bed to rest

9 pm Put Kaitlyn to bed (Jasmine went to stay the night with her Amelia, Anna’s daughter)

9-9:30 pm stayed in bed and played on facebook

9:30 pm Adrian came upstairs

10 pm Adrian wanted to watch the show Alone but I was too tired to get into a show but I decided to go downstairs to finish cleaning up the party (we get ants bad). During the party, my friend, Anna, kindly picked up a lot.  I helped too, along with Tanya so a lot was done.  Anyway, Adrian was upset with me that I wasn’t tired enough to not to clean but I couldn’t watch a show with him.  I explained to him that I don’t like the ants and I hate waking up to messy kitchen.  And not only that, but Anna was due back in the morning to have breakfast with us before her and Millie headed back to LR.  So I guess Adrian felt bad so he decided to help unload the dishwasher for me.  And then I washed the dishes by hand that needed it.  He then asked, while he was playing a game, if I needed help. I said no.  I said no because I am tired of having to ask for help.  Why can’t he just come up to me, say baby, I got it, go lay down.  How hard is that?   Maybe I expect more from him than he is capable of giving me.  Am I wrong for wanting more?  I feel lazy.  I feel lazy because he complains that the house is always dirty and that makes me feel like I’m not doing a good enough job.  But he doesn’t help.  In fact he makes it worse when he throws his clothes on the floor instead of caring them to the laundry basket.  He plays hour after hour after hour on league with maybe 5 minutes in-between games.  Games can last 45 min or even longer sometimes.

We did end up watching Alone after I finished the dishes and doing one more load of laundry.  I fell asleep before the end.

Journal Entry #1 9/4/15

I have to keep track of my duties and conversations that seem to effect me.  It’s part of my treatment to become more self aware.

Happy Birthday, Jasmine (my youngest daughter)!!

6:45 am Wake-Up includes getting girls up & ready for school

In between 6:45 am-7:45 am, I:

take dogs out

made breakfast for the girls  (Kaitlyn did her own today)

Between 9:30am-10:30am, I made a dish for tomorrow’s party, did a load of laundry, checked the mailbox, and ordered 2 free books.

11 am to 2 pm i ran errands all afternoon to get ready for the party.  oh my was it busy today.  but i got it done.

2:30 pm to sams for prescription

2:45-3 pick up jasmine from prek

3-5 drove down to Mountainburg to pick up my daughters’ friend.

asked adrian to mow while i went to pick up one of our daughter’s friends, and he did the front.  i was quite surprised, but very happy that one part of the yard was done – around 4:30-5pm

6:00 pm-7:35 pm worked on party stuff that needed to be done (food preparation, decorations, etc)

7:36 pm adrian and i had a disagreement over money, he got upset with me for trying to figure out where some money went, and he told me to stop trying to figure it out, that he’s right

the conversation was starting to upset me, i started to come back at him with more questions, but i decided to stop and took a deep breathe, and that’s when he said to stop trying to figure it out

8 pm was almost dark.  and adrian did not go back outside to do the backyard, so before we lost daylight, i decided that i would do it.  adrian said that the important part (the front) was done.  i told him that what is important to me is having a nice clean house and yard.  but he made comments about it’s not clean in the house.  that irritates me.  it’s hard to clean from top to bottom and run all the errands i do.  i told him that he could help if he feels i’m not doing a good enough job

Just a thought I had today….

You know there are people in this world who just want equality for everyone. We want everyone to be held to the same standards of everybody else. You don’t want people pushing gay marriage onto everyone, but it’s okay for church goers to push religion onto other people. What does it matter what everyone believes in? What does it matter to anybody what others do in their lives? I don’t understand why it’s anybody’s business but the person who is living their life!”I don’t understand why it’s anybody’s business but the person who is living their live! People just want to complain when they could be happy keeping their noses out of other people’s businesses.

If you believe in God or if you don’t, as long as you are happy with yourself, why does it matter? So what if the so-called GREAT BOOK says to do it? When you die, you are not taking the other people with you.  You are the only one who will have to answer to God, right?

Frozen The Baby Robin

Frozen The Baby Robin
Frozen The Baby Robin

My 4 year old, Jasmine, found a baby bird across the street from our house yesterday.  After picking her up and examining this fragile little bird, my husband and I determined that there wasn’t anything wrong with her; she must have fallen out of the tree probably trying to fly was our guess.  Scared that my cats would kill her (because, unfortunately, that’s what they do all the time), we fed her some worms and decided to put her in our daughters’ tree house where it’s high up where the cats do not typically go, and hope that she survives since we didn’t know where her nest was or parents.

A short time later, I decided to go check on her.  My motherly instincts were kicking in, and it’s a good thing, too, because our Johnny Cash (one of the 4 cats we do have) was about to go up and get her.  I contacted our local Wildlife Refugee and they told me to put her back where I got her because the chirping she was doing was for her parents to locate her so they could feed her.  At the time, we thought she was a blue-jay because she showed blue on her feathers.  The lady said that blue-jays do this all the time.  They fall out of the tree and the parents seek out food for the baby and eventually they get bigger, fly and move on.  She recommended me putting the baby bird into a shrub away from the cats.  I tried to do that, but it wasn’t sitting right with me, especially in my heart.  My oldest daughter, Kaitlyn, couldn’t leave her side while she was in the shrub, scared that a cat would get her.  It just so happened that Kaitlyn met a new neighbor friend that lives a couple houses down and was witnessing the situation with the baby bird.  She said that her mom was a veterinarian and to bring her down to her house.  So that’s what I did.  I just couldn’t let this baby bird stay alone in the shrub.  My daughters were worried.  I was worried.  And what were the odds that this lady, who I have never met, would just appear on this day when I needed more information about what to do with this baby bird.

So there I was, bird in hand, talking to Connie, who is a veterinarian technician.  Turns out, you can hold them (I was brought up being told that our oils and smells would be a turn-off for the parents and baby birds would end up being abandoned.)  First off, that’s great news because I just wanted to pet her. Second, she is not a blue-jay, but a robin.  She also said that it would be safer for the baby bird to stay indoors and away from the outside because the threat of the cats getting to her before she was able to fly or get back to her nest, was very great.  Connie was even nice enough to let us borrow a cage that just happened to be the right size with enough openings to where we could put a branch through it so she could perch.  She examined her quickly and suspects that she’s not too far away from flying.  But we would have to feed this baby a lot of worms every 2 to 3 hours.  With the information she provided, I decided that we would take on this opportunity to care for this baby bird which by now, Jasmine & I were smitten with.  And since Jasmine was the one who found her, I let her name her.  Of course, because the baby bird had blue feathers, her name is Frozen (to take after Elsa).

So now we are back at our house digging up enough worms to feed her.  One of our next door neighbors, Linda, who was outside watching us dig up those worms with our baby bird, brought us left over night crawlers from her weekend fishing trip!  I was beyond grateful!  Things were just falling into place for this baby bird.

Before night fell, I decided to give it one more try at finding as many worms as I could since I didn’t know how much Frozen was going to eat.  Luckily, Mike, the next door neighbor on the other side of us, was digging up a path from his driveway to his walkway by his front door.  Connie happened to be outside helping Mike and waved me over to pick up more worms from where he dug up ground.  Boy, did I get a lot!  I had more than enough to get through the night with Frozen.

It’s amazing how the Universe worked for us.  Everything fell into place perfectly, like it was meant to be.  It couldn’t have happened better, and for that, I am truly thankful for my 3 neighbors who came together, at times when I needed direction or help in maintaining the health of Frozen.  And I am also VERY THANKFUL for Jasmine who, at the age of 4, who loves animals so much and knew that Frozen was in need of help, came and got her daddy and mommy.

It’s an experience I will never forget, and I hope Jasmine doesn’t neither!

Unfortunate Events

Last week, I had to have a spinal tap done because I have Lyme Disease, and my infectious disease doctor wanted to see if it has spread to my Central Nervous System.  After the spinal tap, I experienced a severe headache with nausea and vomiting.  I have never had a headache as horrible as that in my entire life.  So after day 2 of this severe headache, I called the doctor and was informed that I had to go to the hospital for a blood patch (An epidural blood patch is a surgical procedure that uses autologous blood in order to close one or many holes in the dura mater of the spinal cord, usually as a result of a previous lumbar puncture – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epidural_blood_patch).  The blood patch worked within 5 minutes after they inserted the blood.  I was RELIEVED!

Yesterday, my in-laws dog, Shiner, who I really do enjoy babysitting while they are out of town, got into a fight with my pug, Ricky Bobby.  Poor thing tried to hold his own against Shiner, but Shiner, being the big Labrador that he is, defeated Ricky Bobby with somehow popping his eyeball out of socket.  Let me tell you, it’s an image you rather not see.  Anyhow, we had to spend a substantial amount of money for the Animal Emergency Clinic.  But in the midst of this current situation, I looked down at Shiner before we left to take Ricky to the hospital, and calmly told him that, “I know you don’t know what you did, and I’m not mad at you, but this really sucks.” On the way to the hospital, I kept thinking on how I am not really mad at the situation.  I realized that they are dogs, and they don’t know any better.  You can yell at them, but they will not understand why you are so upset.  Then, somehow that led me to think about the past week where I was sick with my own medical issues and how scared I was that something really bad, like death (I am a bit of a paranoid hypochondriac), was going to happen to me.  But I’m fine now.

And this gets me to my point of this post:  These unfortunate  events or situations are just “bumps” in the road.  It’s life.  We are going to experience them throughout our lives.  It’s how we view them and process them.  We can process them in a negative way or a positive way.  I am learning as I get older that it takes too much energy to be mad or upset.  And what does that solve?  It doesn’t solve anything.  I believe it creates more problems.  I don’t want bad situations to define me (like always playing the victim-“bad things always happen to me.”)  It’s not an attractive quality.

And I know I’ll have slip ups where I will get mad, but I’m hoping this post will be a reminder for me that whenever the next thing happens, to approach it calmly, rationally, and with a positive, open-mind and to tell myself that this is just another “bump” in the road of life.